Daddy is the Man!
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Your Daddy
These pages are for my beloved daughter, Ariya Starr. They are written with a hope, kindness and love, that one day she will find them and know these truths, that her daddy will always love her, that though we may be parted she is never far from my thoughts, and most important of all that he has changed and become a daddy she can be proud of, for she is so very special and gives him the strength each and everyday to be this better man. these are my tales for you Ariya Starr.
Thursday, 30 May 2019
Wednesday, 8 May 2019
My Story
Hello Dear Little One.
Originally from My Just Giving Page: This is my story and why I am running the marathon Ariya, 3 weeks until Daddy is The Man, Three Weeks until there is no more looking back, Three Weeks until I draw a line under the past and look only forward to the future, to you and the next great challenge of my life.
Nearly 3 years ago now I had a complete breakdown. I am not going to lie this will be a hard read for most. It is very important to me that people know the truth about me because bottling things up, not talking about my issues and being afraid of what people might think and being labelled as weak and defective is what caused my problems. I had become a very sick man, and I can say with absolute honesty that without the help and support of mental health professionals I would not be alive today. They helped me to find the root of my problems, accept them, address them and help me create a lasting change in my life. This is my story…...
I have always struggled with my self-esteem, from a young age I was never the sportiest, I was a late bloomer and I never really fitted in with other boys my age, I always saw myself as weak and not good enough. I hid these problems behind a mask, a mask of fake confidence, outlandish behaviour and theatrics, here was Danny the life of the party, the pirate, the rock n roller, a man who could do anything, hell it was the man I wanted to be confident and strong, a person that people both loved and revered, a legend. But the truth was behind the mask was a broken man, a man who felt like he was weak surrounded by strong powerful men looking down on him. a man who could not even get out of bed some days, a man who no matter how hard he tried always felt like he was letting down everyone he loved and held dear. I felt trapped and unable to talk about my fears, scared that those around me would turn on me if they knew the truth. I hid it very well, and to cope I drank.
But then I have always drunk, it was my lifestyle, I was an artist, a poet alive for the weekends, nothing else mattered. But 10 years of pissing it up the wall does a lot of damage to a person. Slowly but surely It creeps up on you like a creature stalking its prey in the night, your unaware of it happening but slowly it becomes part of your life until you don’t even question it at all. That’s how alcohol has affected me, it fuelled my mask and kept me blind to the world’s truths, that I needed help. Towards the end of my breakdown, I was drinking over 100 units a week, I was drinking to forget, to hide the pain, to cope with everything that was spiralling out of control, in that state I just wanted to feel anything, something. It was horrible.
I was not capable of making these connections at the time, but the numerous mental health professionals who have helped me on my journey helped me to see things clearly. That throughout my life depression has played a major factor, that I have never had a stable mood, that I would swing from moments of pure joy and happiness to pits of despair where I would lay in bed all day, I would go for great periods of time not talking to people and then pop back into there lives as if nothing had ever happened. all of this combined with my excess drinking led me down the worst paths a human being can go down. I was like Jekyll and Hyde, thought the day I would pretend everything was ok, and then at night when my loved ones were asleep and out of sight I would break and try and drink away my problems. In the end, I needed someone to tell me how great I was, I needed hero worship. I lied, manipulated and cheated to get what I wanted, in my worst state I was capable of anything all that mattered was my own gratification.
I never wanted to hurt anyone, and my problems do not excuse my actions, I accept full responsibility for everything, but I had become a very sick man, I knew I was in trouble, I knew what I was doing was wrong but everything was spiralling out of control, I was so scared and I did not know who to turn to, to put things right.
In the end, it all fell apart, I lost everything, My house, My partner and my newborn Child. I lost my life.
At my lowest low, I thought about taking my own life and it took an almighty effort from a mental health worker and substance abuse worker to convince me I needed help, help in the way of medication. I resisted because of stigma and pride but Susan, her name was persisted with me, and there was one thing she said that changed everything, “asking for help is not a weakness but the strongest and bravest thing a person can do” without her help I would not be here today, her courage and persistence gave me hope and in turn determination to address my problems head-on. To not be afraid.
I am now medicated for my depression and I will never look back because it has changed my life. The only way I can describe it is like having a dark cloak pulled back from your mind's eye, only now with hinge sight do I see that this cloak of negativity has been there for a long time, perhaps since I was a teenager. It’s like before I was always trying to build positives on quicksand, nothing seemed to stick and I would get depressed and negative with myself, I would blame myself. But now I have a clear mind, a strong foundation with which to build positive after positive on. What’s more, I can feel the positives for what they are, before I could never feel the benefits of exercise or playing sport, of having a job that I love, of working hard for me because I want to. This medication has been my catalyst for change, but it is me who has brought it about. I have changed, my lifestyle is so radically different I have real self-esteem and I will not let anyone take it away from me, and I will never go back to the old me. This is who I am now.
I’m a runner, I run fast and long, 6 miles a day minimum.
I’m a flanker, I play rugby every week, my team gives me confidence and supports me.
I’m a Buddhist, I practice mindfulness, meditation and kindness.
I’m a brilliant Chef, I love working hard because I have a passion for everything I do.
I am strong, stronger than people realise and I will never give up, I have self-belief, self-worth and I am determined to succeed.
I don’t need Alcohol anymore, I have real confidence.
I am in control of my illness, it no longer controls me.
I am proud of who I have become.
The old me could never be any of these things. All of this because one person refused to give up on me, they helped me see the start of the path back to the light, they listened, they did not judge, they gave me hope and for that, I will be forever in their debt.
I am running this marathon to promote good mental health, we all struggle with mental health, that it is not a weakness to ask for help but the bravest and strongest thing a person can do, that people’s problems can be managed, that you can live a better life.
But most of all I am running this race to give something back to the people who helped and supported me in my darkest hour. To show the people who took the time to help me that I will never give up, that I will never stop fighting and that they have helped me make a lasting change in my life. That they made a difference.
To every single beautiful brilliant person who never gave up on me, where ever you are, whatever you may be doing I want you to know I’m doing this for you.
And I’m doing this for me.
See you at the finish line.
Originally from My Just Giving Page: This is my story and why I am running the marathon Ariya, 3 weeks until Daddy is The Man, Three Weeks until there is no more looking back, Three Weeks until I draw a line under the past and look only forward to the future, to you and the next great challenge of my life.
Nearly 3 years ago now I had a complete breakdown. I am not going to lie this will be a hard read for most. It is very important to me that people know the truth about me because bottling things up, not talking about my issues and being afraid of what people might think and being labelled as weak and defective is what caused my problems. I had become a very sick man, and I can say with absolute honesty that without the help and support of mental health professionals I would not be alive today. They helped me to find the root of my problems, accept them, address them and help me create a lasting change in my life. This is my story…...
I have always struggled with my self-esteem, from a young age I was never the sportiest, I was a late bloomer and I never really fitted in with other boys my age, I always saw myself as weak and not good enough. I hid these problems behind a mask, a mask of fake confidence, outlandish behaviour and theatrics, here was Danny the life of the party, the pirate, the rock n roller, a man who could do anything, hell it was the man I wanted to be confident and strong, a person that people both loved and revered, a legend. But the truth was behind the mask was a broken man, a man who felt like he was weak surrounded by strong powerful men looking down on him. a man who could not even get out of bed some days, a man who no matter how hard he tried always felt like he was letting down everyone he loved and held dear. I felt trapped and unable to talk about my fears, scared that those around me would turn on me if they knew the truth. I hid it very well, and to cope I drank.
But then I have always drunk, it was my lifestyle, I was an artist, a poet alive for the weekends, nothing else mattered. But 10 years of pissing it up the wall does a lot of damage to a person. Slowly but surely It creeps up on you like a creature stalking its prey in the night, your unaware of it happening but slowly it becomes part of your life until you don’t even question it at all. That’s how alcohol has affected me, it fuelled my mask and kept me blind to the world’s truths, that I needed help. Towards the end of my breakdown, I was drinking over 100 units a week, I was drinking to forget, to hide the pain, to cope with everything that was spiralling out of control, in that state I just wanted to feel anything, something. It was horrible.
I was not capable of making these connections at the time, but the numerous mental health professionals who have helped me on my journey helped me to see things clearly. That throughout my life depression has played a major factor, that I have never had a stable mood, that I would swing from moments of pure joy and happiness to pits of despair where I would lay in bed all day, I would go for great periods of time not talking to people and then pop back into there lives as if nothing had ever happened. all of this combined with my excess drinking led me down the worst paths a human being can go down. I was like Jekyll and Hyde, thought the day I would pretend everything was ok, and then at night when my loved ones were asleep and out of sight I would break and try and drink away my problems. In the end, I needed someone to tell me how great I was, I needed hero worship. I lied, manipulated and cheated to get what I wanted, in my worst state I was capable of anything all that mattered was my own gratification.
I never wanted to hurt anyone, and my problems do not excuse my actions, I accept full responsibility for everything, but I had become a very sick man, I knew I was in trouble, I knew what I was doing was wrong but everything was spiralling out of control, I was so scared and I did not know who to turn to, to put things right.
In the end, it all fell apart, I lost everything, My house, My partner and my newborn Child. I lost my life.
At my lowest low, I thought about taking my own life and it took an almighty effort from a mental health worker and substance abuse worker to convince me I needed help, help in the way of medication. I resisted because of stigma and pride but Susan, her name was persisted with me, and there was one thing she said that changed everything, “asking for help is not a weakness but the strongest and bravest thing a person can do” without her help I would not be here today, her courage and persistence gave me hope and in turn determination to address my problems head-on. To not be afraid.
I am now medicated for my depression and I will never look back because it has changed my life. The only way I can describe it is like having a dark cloak pulled back from your mind's eye, only now with hinge sight do I see that this cloak of negativity has been there for a long time, perhaps since I was a teenager. It’s like before I was always trying to build positives on quicksand, nothing seemed to stick and I would get depressed and negative with myself, I would blame myself. But now I have a clear mind, a strong foundation with which to build positive after positive on. What’s more, I can feel the positives for what they are, before I could never feel the benefits of exercise or playing sport, of having a job that I love, of working hard for me because I want to. This medication has been my catalyst for change, but it is me who has brought it about. I have changed, my lifestyle is so radically different I have real self-esteem and I will not let anyone take it away from me, and I will never go back to the old me. This is who I am now.
I’m a runner, I run fast and long, 6 miles a day minimum.
I’m a flanker, I play rugby every week, my team gives me confidence and supports me.
I’m a Buddhist, I practice mindfulness, meditation and kindness.
I’m a brilliant Chef, I love working hard because I have a passion for everything I do.
I am strong, stronger than people realise and I will never give up, I have self-belief, self-worth and I am determined to succeed.
I don’t need Alcohol anymore, I have real confidence.
I am in control of my illness, it no longer controls me.
I am proud of who I have become.
The old me could never be any of these things. All of this because one person refused to give up on me, they helped me see the start of the path back to the light, they listened, they did not judge, they gave me hope and for that, I will be forever in their debt.
I am running this marathon to promote good mental health, we all struggle with mental health, that it is not a weakness to ask for help but the bravest and strongest thing a person can do, that people’s problems can be managed, that you can live a better life.
But most of all I am running this race to give something back to the people who helped and supported me in my darkest hour. To show the people who took the time to help me that I will never give up, that I will never stop fighting and that they have helped me make a lasting change in my life. That they made a difference.
To every single beautiful brilliant person who never gave up on me, where ever you are, whatever you may be doing I want you to know I’m doing this for you.
And I’m doing this for me.
See you at the finish line.
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